[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
You Might Also Like
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts