me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
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If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face