How to draw a duck
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If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
“Huge”.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
umm…
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Brands during Pride
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.