cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
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Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
birds and squirrels envy us
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.