Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
You Might Also Like
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!