The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
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ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
figuring out my emotional availability:
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”