The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
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I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
My kitchen overserved me.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
I think this cat is broken
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
bad news gang