Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
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okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..