What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
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avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems