Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
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CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.