most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
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Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?