[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
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prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.