suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
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Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.