the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
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dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?