Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
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Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.