My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
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Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.