Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
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Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle