Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
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Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Check your privilege
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.