If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
You Might Also Like
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
guys I’m going home
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day