5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
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No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Pikachu found the lost joint
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank