Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
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before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.