I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
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Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
it be like that
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.