If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
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[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Midwest trash talk
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.