Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
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Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies