Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
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boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne