*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
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Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”