Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
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As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Breaking news:
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.