movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
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Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
estão todos miauvindo?
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas