Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
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One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”