Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
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I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands