*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
You Might Also Like
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
nothing saves money like being antisocial