*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
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Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.