A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
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11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more