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asked my bf how work was today
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?