Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
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Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”