If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
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My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?