Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
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I’m not average. I’m mean.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Growing out my freckles.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that