I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
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they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”