Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
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My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
My therapist after every session
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
When I snag the last meatball.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.