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*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower