My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
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I love wikipedia
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
getting corrected
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
this is the best day of my life
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!