I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
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Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
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I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
my astrological sign is a french fry
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.