Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
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The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.