TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
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I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
I think I’ll stand
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”