*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
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I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Bootstraps
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.