Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
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“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?