Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
You Might Also Like
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.