what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
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Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Note to self: always read the final line
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”