Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
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hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.