turning my gender off to conserve energy
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Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.